| Archive for positivechange.myfreeforum.org Supporting Positive Change for People and Communities. A Self Help and Mutual Support and Life Coaching Board |
| Nannyp |
Maslow's Hierarchy of needsPrompted by my reply to Elaine in "Texting"...I thought I'd add this.Excuse me if it is here somewhere already. http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm 
I believe we need to have reached at least level 3, before we can give potent care to needy or dependent people. Where do you think you are on this scale? |
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| dingsy |
Good question-and very interesting diagram too. I'd hope to be near the top-and continuing to climb! | ||
| Nannyp |
I'd like to see you near the top too Elaine.
If you look at the 2nd rung up the ladder....I feel that there will be issues around Protection, and Stability concerning your cancer. 
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| dingsy |
True-but as they're beyond my control, then there's very little I can do to influence/improve these factors.
Incredibly, I feel very secure indeed-am loved and valued, and that makes "outside enemies", such as the cancer, easier to face. I may not manage to beat it down, but I'll stand confidently and look it straight in the face (and if that doesn't have the little blighters running for cover, then I don't know what will!). The illness does offend my sense of order-it's an unnatural intruder in my otherwise wonderful world-but I try hard not to let it excessively affect my stability-which I see as maintaining some kind of status quo in my life.Even with my safety needs being compromised/threatened by illness, it's possible to maintain a good level on the following step-not easy, but not impossible.... |
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| Hecateh |
Whilst I agree with this it is, of necessity, an extremely simplified version of being human.
Granted the top is very difficult without the others BUT how many parents and mothers in particular put other's needs before there own - even when hungry and threatened with loss of the very basic needs. There are also people, like the heroes of the concentration camps, Friedrich Nietzche for example, managed to demonstrate self actualisation whilst in the most dire straits. Also there are those who fast in order to reach a more intense state of being. On a more personal level, I know if my basic needs aren't met I can't get any higher than my own bodily sensation. I find it hard to concentrate on anything other than my body when I'm hungry, cold or need the loo  . Not always easy even when those needs are met.
BUT as an overall thing feel I can move up and down the ladder quite a lot. |
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| Nannyp |
I agree Helen, and I was prompted to post this, based on the Texting thread. I guess what I am inferring is, yes..we can all care for others and put our needs second or third, but the reality of this is our reduced ability to move onto the higher rungs. Putting others needs before our own will also have a detrimental effect on our own physical and mental well being. I know for myself, I was brilliant at taking care of others..it was my raison d'etre. I was stroked for it by my mother in particular, and so basked in the glow of my caring abilities. But...who was caring for me? Not my mum (I was caring for her emotionally), not my ex husband...too emotionally fragile and completely unable to see anyone else's needs above his own. Not my children, unfair for young children to take care of their mother. Many or most of my friends, were friends because I took care of them (emotionally). If I could have charged for the hours of counselling I gave over the years, I'd be a rich woman. I became a nurse, and then started working in a therapeutic style community and worked with incredibly damaged people. All of this impacted on my own health, as I was now a single woman, with no one caring for me, apart from colleagues. During these years, I had back pain often, headaches/migraine often, chest pain very often, digestive problems, reflux ...... And then I started my psychotherapy training, and began to realise that I was human  I needed care too. It had to be a mutual thing, I couldn't go on giving and giving, with nothing for myself. And of course, over the years, I had my own therapy, the love of my training peers, and love of Mark and the care I learned to look for, for myself.
I no longer get back pain as often, and always now know, it's usually stress related rather than physical. The chest pain I regularly suffered with is now history. Reflux..gone, migraine's gone. So, Elaine (sorry hope it's okay to use you as an example) is loved, gets loads of love, care and support from her husband and Iain and Jen. This is great, as Elaine gives a lot, even though she is ill. BUT... I don't believe that she is in a place to take care of the high needing friend who has recently be in touch by text. Whilst it sounds like Elaine did that in the past, and did a great job, now her needs are very different and all her reserves need saving for her and her family. So, at one point, a few years ago, Elaine was further up the ladder than she might be right now. |
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| dingsy |
Your last paragraph sums up my situation perefectly, I think. Although I still want to help and be supportive-not just to this friend, but to anyone else whom I can help-I acknowledge that it's simply too hard at times. Not because I'm being cruel/uncaring-rather becasue I find my patience levels are much reduced. Further, I no longer like being "used" and at times I feel as if that's what's happening. People returning to you when they want/something is not something I admire, nor choose to encourage-so in that way I feel as if I'm making an effort to protect myself. Guess I'm learning to toughen up a bit! | ||
| Nannyp |
Absolutely, I am sure mine would be even more reduced than yours, were I in your shoes. Perhaps another example is of the mothers, who have grown up with very little emotional support from their parents, and have chosen men who repeat their earlier experience, have little patience with their own babies and children and end up damaging them in some way. We must have our own needs met in order for our care of others to remain compassionate and potent. |
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