Position amongst your siblings

Nannyp · Position amongst your siblings

What position are you amongst your siblings?
How do you think this has affected your position in life?
Do you feel that life would have been better/different had you been older/younger?

Nannyp · Re: Position amongst your siblings

dingsy

I'm the eldest. My parents had me when they were young, followed by Mark, who was born severley mentally handicapped, and died the day before his 5th birthday. By this stage my youngest brother was 1.

I'm happy being the eldest-although it was very difficult when Mark was dying. I think rather than position, any issue I may have would be over sex-after losing one son, most of my Father's energies focused on Graeme. Understandable, I think, particularly as physically the two boys were identical. Looking at old photos now, I can confuse them.

As to position, I never felt that being the eldest disadvataged me in anyway(I quite enjoyed it, as youngest brother was like my shadow, which I found very flattering-for a while!)

Nannyp

Oh Elaine, so sorry to hear that about Mark...and it is hard being the oldest when that happens, somehow people expect you to be older and more able to cope with all the emotions.
:?

dingsy

Exactly, Kathy. I felt as if I had to comfort and support my Mum(I was only 12, so found this very difficult to do).
Mark was a dear child, but could do nothing-not even sit upright unaided. I've often wondered what his diagnosis would be had he been born nowadays. Then, it was seen as simply a tragic accident.

Nannyp

It explains why you are so good at taking care of others......having a disabled brother would have pushed you into growing up quickly, and being responsible, and then continued as a result of him dying.....more growing up to do to enable you to support your mother.
:?

angelfruit

I am the eldest of three, one brother two years younger with learning disabilities and one sister eight years younger. My mum left home when I was 16, brother 14 (though mentally much, much younger) and my sister was just 7.

As a child, I hated being the eldest - my parents were quite strict (mainly mum) and of course by the time my sister was a teenager I had left long ago left home (and so had my mum). Dad was always quite relaxed with my sister and few rules were applied. However, she turned into a lovely young woman. My brother and I rarely speak (his problems have grown considerably in adulthood) but he knows I am there in times of trouble.

Many times over the years as I have faced difficult times, it is my little sister who has come up with the goods and been big sister to me and vice versa. At the moment, I hope that I am supporting her the best I can and we often take on the role of surrogate mum to each other.

I do feel that my brother (despite his problems) has suffered through been the much wanted boy and middle child (additional pressure because he is much shorter than my sister and myself and was never gifted in sports - something parents longed for in a lad)!

Whatever our position in our families and in life, we are here and for that I am truly thankful x

Hecateh

I'm the 5th of 7 children. Mum and Dad had four children in five years, then a break of 4.5 years then three more in five years, of which I am the eldest. Girl, boy, boy, boy, ME, girl, boy

I have always felt I suffered for this position as was the eldest of the young ones so didn't have the advantages of being an eldest but was still expected to take the responsibility of same as, in a way, it was like two separate families.

The boy above me has always been mum's favourite in many ways but I do understand why. He is the most thoughtful and caring of us all. My Dad told me, probably about 15 years ago now, that he intended leaving Mum when 'M' (this brother) went to school, strangely, I was born in the January just as 'M' started school. I think Dad must have resented me coming along (although if he really wanted to go why was he .....?). He favourite though was the sister younger than me. I was always very easy going (and labelled lazy) from a very young age. My little sister was a feisty so and so, full of energy but thought that only she could define 'fair'. The absolute youngest was very spoilt in terms of behaviour and just generally being the 'baby' but on the down side Mum tended to give him to him because he had all the rest of us 'picking on him' the more she favoured him, the more we picked on him so he really couldn't win. I really couldn't say how the others were favoured or not as I guess there was too big an age gap really.

What is quite noticeable is that My two sisters and I all split from our partners though my youngest one did get back with her husband and neither of my sisters has children.
The boys are all in fairly traditional marriages and all have children.

We all get on really well now except for the eldest boy (who is now eldest overall since my sister died 15 years ago) - but all harbour some resentment against mum, (although I try not to as I know she did/does her best).

Mum tended to favour me in some ways because I was the only girl who was interested in babies and being a mum (and looked like her) but that meant she had expectations of me which I just was not interested in. She was very houseproud whereas I hate housework. I do it and make sure my house is clean - but tidy; no way. Actually, the older I've got the more I realise I am more like Dad than Mum.

Nannyp

Blimey Hec, this sounds complicated, and only you can know how it felt.

I think whjerever we are, we feel we would prefer to have been somewhere else (at the time) and it's only in retrospect I am pleased I was where I was.

It's good you all get on now though.

Dawn, your's sound like it was a difficult time for you, especially being left as the oldest woman at such a young age. It would have been very easy for you to have felt that you shouldn't leave home.

I'm pleased that you are there for each other.

angelfruit

It would've been very easy to stay at home but I figured if I didn't leave quite early on, I would have been there today! I love my Dad dearly but didn't wanted to fall into that role. He understood that and has since been able to make his own life. My Mum feels/felt no guilt at leaving my sister at such a young age and figured that it wasn't really me that should feel the guilt (if that makes any sense).

Nannyp

Well done you...it would have been so easy to fall into that role and never finding a way out. Very mature decision.
:D

Hecateh

Yes - well done you for that and well done your dad for supporting that.

My ex's mum left 10 kids - the youngest was only 18 months - the eldest about 18 years old (my ex was 4 1/2 (ish). Bus she had suffered abuse at his hands for years and excaped via a hospital stay having suffered brain damage after being pushed down stairs.

The eldest two were girls and they left very soon after as Dad expected them to take over every role of a wife - luckily he never touched the boys that was or the younger girls.
He then got a new partner who never allowed herself to become a physical victim (though God only knows what he did to her emotionally).

It was a big factor in our break up I think although I didn't know enough about behaviour then to understand but my ex was so jealous - I got accused of all sorts (though he never touched me) Eventually, when I was tempted I saw no reason not to go ahead as I had been accused of doing it with everyone from the milk man to his own brother in law.

I realise now, that in his experience Mums left their kids so it was expected that I would and in the end he pushed it on us. I do take full responsibility for my part too - in fact for ages I felt so guilty that it was all my fault - which was and still is his view. In the end it was him who left me for someone else but I know I just used to get angry at not being trusted rather than offering him the reassurance he wanted (needed).

Despite what had happened he never forgave his mother for going and always hated his step mother - who didn't like him either. By that time he was the only boy left (2 elder brothers having grown up and left) amongst 5 girls who all used to 'mother' him. His step mum had two sons and she always used to favour them, though she got on ok with the girls never with S.

Nannyp

He doesn't sound like someone who is likely to be able to sustain an appropriate relationship with any woman Hec. His expectation is for women to leave, let him down, his belief is that one way or another he will lose you....and his role model from Dad is that women should be treated very badly. I doubt that you could have offered any reassurance, how ever hard you might have tried.

MissMuppet

Mmmm well this will be interesting... I am the eldest, my brother is 20 months younger than me so hardly much gap!

I had to grow up quickly I think, I gave up my pushchair for my brother and I had to walk everywhere while he got to be pushed around.

I've always felt my brother has been the favourite although both Mum and Dad swear that's not the case. I think when my brother had kids it felt more like that, but I think that's more to do with the grandchildren than anything else.

When we were small my brother used to lie all the time, and I would be the one who got into trouble, with everyone not just Mum and Dad!

I can now honestly say that I don't feel any jealousy towards my brother, over the last year I have grown up lots and because my own life is starting to look up I don't need to worry what he's doing.

I think Mum knew all this anyway, but thought I would join in the discussion!

Hecateh

dingsy

It's been a really fascinating discussion, Jo, and it's good to hear as many experiences as possible.
The sibling issue is a complex one for most people at one stage or another. Although there were many more years between me and my youngest brother, I remember too at times feeling jealous of his prominent position in the family. I've always loved him unconditionally though, and we're now very close (although not geographically, as he lives in Australia).He still calls me "big sis", and I still call him "our kid".
I'm going to make another comment, that might just lead to another thread.... We see in our son Iain, so may characteristics that are so like Graeme-which is strange, as they haven't spent a great deal of time together, so it's certainly not learned behaviour. Something in the genes, perhaps?

Nannyp

Jo you're right, you were expected to grow up quickly...I have in my mind a photo of you looking up at the camera when Phil was just a few days old...you look so unhappy. I have often felt bad about you not having a loger babyhood (and i know you know that) and feel really sorry for children who have younger siblings close to them in age.

Oh well Hec, it sounds like he has learnt to be more trusting maybe...and having a perhaps less assertive woman makes it easier.

MissMuppet

I call my brother 'my big little brother' as he's 6'2" and towers over me!! :lol:

Hecateh

My two are very close in age - only 15 months between them but Sarah is the youngest and doesn't seem to have ever been a baby. Started looking out for Mattt as soon as she could walk.
By the time she was 18 months old she could talk better than him and just took over.
I remeber someone asking him a question when he was about three and he just bowed his head and looked at the floor, pointed towards Sarah and said 'She talks' and that was it.

And she is still doing it. Last time they had a meal at my place and I had treated us to spnge pudding and custard. I went into the kitchen to fetch it and she came in half a minute later saying 'You have remembered Matt doesn't like custard haven't you'.

Similar in a way to you Elaine, she seems to have characteristics of my sister, she certainly doesn't get being organised from me or her dad.

Another memory, and she can't have been more than three or four; 'Shall I look after the tickets so you don't forget them mummy?'

:oops:

Guest

In for a penny ...

I am the youngest of 5 girls. My eldest sister is 12 years older than me. My parents had 3 close together, and then "two after-thoughts", neither planned!!

When I was little (as in pre-school) I clearly remember thinking it was my "big sisters" who looked after myself and my nearest sister "M" (we were 23 months apart), not our parents!

I had big problems adjusting when M started school, hated being alone, abandonned by my sisters, and fretted until I was really ill. However, as a result of this, I got very close to my mum; my father is STILL jealous of the relationship I have with mum, and I'm 44!!!!

I liked being the youngest. I didn't have to be "first" to do anything, and (being a wise little soul) I learned a lot from my sisters' mistakes, and rarely upset mum. I even learned parenting mistakes from my sisters ... not saying I was a perfect mum, but at least I didn't make the SAME mistakes as them

My eldest sister, A, acts like she is my mother. As a result we are not close at all!!

My mother was nearly 40 when I was born, and I always felt (still do!) cheated by having such an old mother - if she had been younger when I was born, I would have had the benefit of knowing her for longer. As a result, I married "the first man who looked twice at me", a fortnight before my 20th birthday. By the time I was 24, I had 2 children, 22 months apart.

I can see Jo's point about having to grow up fast being the elder of 2 close-in-age siblings, but if the gap is too big, it's more like having 2 "only children", so we can't win as parents, can we?!!

Actually, my daughter has always been more grown-up than my son (I knew for years he had something wrong, and it was finally diagnosed when he was 21 - he has Aspergers), and to this day she protects him, even though she finds him immensely frustrating!!

Guest

I read about this in a magazine this month :-

First Born Children

Tend to be : Goal Setters,High acheivers,Perfectionists,Responsible,Rule Keepers,Determined, Detail people

Second Born / Middle Children

Tend to be : Flexible,Diplomatic,Peacemakers,Free Spirits,Generous,Caring

Youngest Children

Tend to be: Risk Takers,Persistent,Outgoing,Charming,Ideas People,Creative, Reluctant to accept authority

Only Children

Tend to be : Achievement Orientated,Conservative,Confident,Articulate,Inflexible,Self confident

Guest

Nannyp

First Born Children

Tend to be : Goal Setters,High acheivers,Perfectionists,Responsible,Rule Keepers,Determined, Detail people

Yep, thats Jo

Second Born / Middle Children

Tend to be : Flexible,Diplomatic,Peacemakers,Free Spirits,Generous,Caring

Yep thats me

Position amongst your siblings

Re: Position amongst your siblings