Texting

dingsy · Texting

Going into grumpy old woman mode (I'd be good on the show)

Anyhow, a little while ago, I received a text from a friend. I say friend-she was one of my closest friends for many years, but since I've been ill, she's disappeared-too upset/embarrassed, whatever, to talk to me. Her text was quite long, full of news about her, but didn't as much as ask how we (and I mean, "we", not "I") were keeping.

I find texting brilliant for a quick , "I'll be 10 mins late", "Can I get you anything from the shops", type of thing, but using it as a substitute for a phone call/email/letter....I don't think so!

In two minds what to reply-if anything! At the moment, thinking of just saying, "good to hear your news, all well here", and leave it at that...

Nannyp

My answer would be, if I were, like you, dealing with cancer.

“Thanks for your text, pleased all is well with you.
Yes thanks, my cancer has gone and I am right as rain.”

dingsy

Lol! It saddend me that she's distanced herself from me, as I love(d) her dearly. A mutual friend very wisely said that she can't cope with hearing how I am,as she's frightened of losing me. The last time I had any communication (other than a Xmas card), from this particular friend, went like this:

J-How are you?

Me-I'm fine thanks, how are you?

J-What does fine mean? I was hoping you'd say that you were great.

I would never force information/worries on any friends who genuinely don't want to hear it for one reason or another. But surely a quick email would be easier all round-we could be chatty without too much being read into each individual word.I can see me agonising over this-and still getting it wrong

dragonfly

Hurts when friends let you downx

Some people jsut cant handle things that remind them of their own mortality.
You have us elaine xx

dingsy

And very glad I am that I do have you guys Sarah.

Am still dithering over whether to reply or not! Thank goodness I don't have any important decisions to make today

Hecateh

For yourself - if not for her - you will feel better if you are kind.

It is not right that she puts her own feelings of fear and mortality and whatever else over your feelings BUT I guess she is unable to be otherwise.

In the long term, I feel you are unable to mirror her behaviour, it isn't who you are to do that.

I think your suggestion from your first post is pretty much all that needs to be said. I'm sure if you have mutual friends she is aware of where you are physically and there is nothing you can do to change things for her.

It must hurt like hell and be so disappointing when someone so close is like that. Different friends fulfill different places in our lives and obviously this 'friend' is not one who can be there for you. I hope when she has her own difficult times she has friends like you around and not like herself.

dingsy

Good points Helen. Overall I feel that texting is such an impersonal way to communicate-fine for quick messages, but completely ineffectual as a meaningful method of communicating news/emotions, etc.

I will reply in time-am in no rush to do so. Whatever I put, she'll come back and query it-much simpler to make a quick call/email, rather than get into a loop of "what does fine mean?" If she'd emailed and asked how we were, I would have given her plenty of chat and news-and not necessarily about me. But texting is so counter-productive.

Turning to your last point-another reason I'm possibly over-reacting, is that she is indeed a very needy person. I've supported her through two failed suicide attempts, was instrumental in getting her to attend AA, so know that I've done what I can to help and support her. But again, as our mutual friend commented, J is unable to support friends with problems, and it's not unknown for her to back away when the going gets tough.

How very true that friends come along for various chapters in our life. A few weeks ago, when my other friend phoned, we came to the same conclusion. Usually the 3 of us have a long weekend away together in the spring, but we've decided this year for just the 2 of us to go. Neither of us have had any communication from J since last summer, so feel that she really can't be bothered any more-or that she resents the lifestyles that the 2 of us have-who knows. I fear in my heart that she's drinking again-hence the lack of communication-but going from past experience, she would deny that this was the case.

But, texting........ when used in this context seems to be nothing more than a token gesture rather than a genuine need to stay in touch. I'll avoid confrontation with her at all costs-but I'm damned whatever I do!

Guest

Texting is easy. It, as you say, can fulfil a purpose, and most people use it like this. Your friend J is using it as a smoke-screen. "I've made contact with Elaine, so now I feel OK about disappearing again for a while".

I agree that some folks (for whatever reason, not only their own mortality, sometimes it's reminders of the death or serious illness of someone close to them) find it very hard to cope with the illness / lack of wellness in others, and for this reason, they distance themselves from once-close-friends. It's very hard on the person (you in this instance) who is being "ignored" / "forgotten about".

Someone a long time ago sent me the thing about friends coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The last group being the smallest and most precious of all. However, those who are there for a reason or a season are just as important. Sometimes, a friendship has simply run its course.

Perhaps in this instance, she feels guilty about being needy again (the drinking) when you yourself are really the one in need of a little "giving" for a change?

Nannyp

I like that Vanessa....sounds good.

dingsy

I think you're spot on with your comment about her having done her duty-I hadn't thought of it that way! I still haven't replied-pathetic really, but I'm not going to jump when she snaps her fingers.

Again it returns me to my original point-how easy it is to misconstrue messages -in fairness she probably means well, but expressing it in a brief text has only served to alienate me. How much nicer to have received a quick email, if she doesn't feel able to phone. She claims she's too busy to bother with emails, but c'mon....

Came across this today on one of my cancer forums-how apt (if a tad naff!)

Always Remember

Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue
But don't forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you

Always remember to forget
The troubles that have passed away
But never, never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day

angelfruit

Only just seen this thread. TBH I probably wouldn't bother responding to the text from J. I agree that she either has already started drinking again (or has other issues) and perhaps feels guilty that her's are largely (big assumption here) self-inflicted whilst your own are not. It is sometimes difficult for others to deal with this. Perhaps better to think of her as a flower in your garden - she grew, you nurtured her and now she's wilting .....

You can't feed everything yourself ....

(((hugs)))

Nannyp

And sometimes, people look like they are "reaching out" when they're real, unconscious motivation is to "grab hold" !

Maybe her text is an attempt to hook you back, in the hope that you'll give what you have previously.

dingsy

If that's the case Kathy, I can't, I just can't.Not overwhelmingly through any sense of hurt or resentment, although in part it would be the case. Just because I genuinely think that the friendship is now on a different footing-and our other friend felt the same as I did, so I don't think we're misintepreting things by too much.

I've since replied syaing "good to hear your news, all is fine here", which I suspect will lead to "what does that mean" etc, etc.

But texting is for me, no way at all to have a meaningful dialogue, with people you care for. We've told her this before-A (my other friend), and I are very similair, in that we leave our phones switched off for days at a time. So we've both asked on more than one occassion in the past-"if you want us, don't rely on reaching us with a text", but still it happens.. Forwarded the text to A (she'll be gobsmacked again), and she hasn't as yet replied-like me, phone switched off!

Nannyp

Of course you can't...you need all your strength for you. None of us can give, give, give without something back in return. First we must take care of ourselves, and once all our basic needs are met, then maybe we have room to give a little.