Fairness and equality

patweb · Pioneer Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 768 Location: Glasgow

I’ve always tried to treat my 2 daughters the same. At Christmas they both had the same number of presents and the same amount of money spent on them. I was really quite obsessed with this
When they both moved out the house, they were given the same amount of money to get started. Both are always given the same amount of love, and I’m sure if you asked them, they would both say none was favoured over the other. Now of course their needs are different.
As Hec said “to each what they need” which is what we do now. If one needs help, the other knows they will get it if the need arises. I’m not talking about money necessarily. The main thing here I think is knowing you are loved equally, nothing else matters. I am an only child so this situation didn’t arise in my case.
I hate unfairness in any shape or form, and feel really strongly about this. I think I take this from my Mother who also feels this way, and both her grandchildren were loved and treated the same.
My Mum was one of seven, four sons, three daughters, and the sons were favoured over the daughters. When my grandmother needed help in her declining years, it was always my mum who did the most for her. ( her sisters did nothing ) She was never thanked for it, but that was ok, it was her Mum and she did it because she loved her. But it was always the ones who did the least that got the most praise. I’m sure they were all loved equally, but it certainly wasn’t shown. I can understand your feelings about this Elaine, and I agree with you, no matter what the circumstances of your life, you should be treated the same. I have two lovely happy daughters, and I hope in some respects it’s because of how they were treated by their Dad and I.
I always remember thinking when I was pregnant with Jennifer, my second child. "How am I going to love this baby as much as I love Susan"
But you do, don't you. There's enough love to go round no matter how many children you have.

Nannyp · Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 12:08 pm Post subject:

Sorry, this is a fascinating debate, and I am distracted by the telly, so will not say much here at the moment.

Elaine, what stood out to me from your reply to my neg Trans question, was that both Brian's Mum and Dad came from a high male background. I now wonder whether females (seemingly in short supply) are considered more special and worthy of special treatment?
I apologise, I seem to have more questions than answers...........actually, I don't apologise, I was trained to ask questions, to dig around etc.
Hope you don't mind.. :?

It is absolutely fascinating though, and of course the difficulty in debating it, is it is so close to home for us all, either for ourselves in our family or origin, or for our children.

I leads me to more questions, and I think I will start another thread

dingsy · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 2106 Location: Devon

It is fascinating-and I'm more than happy to answer questions. What an interesting theory too, and one which makes a lot of sense, knowing the people involved. I'm sure you have a point, and it's giving me a lot of comfort to think there potentially is a reason for events. Already(within minutes) I can almost feel the feelings of "where have we gone wrong/what are we doing to be treated like this"?etc, are ever so slightly, beginning to recede. Such an explanation had never crossed my mind.Thank you so much, Kathy, I'm sure you're on the right track-it's obvious when you know where to look-I just never knew where to look for myself!

Think Pat's point about there always being enough love to go around, is very important too. I recall having similair feelings when pregnant for a second time,feelings which lasted no time whatsoever. It was love at first sight-again!

Nannyp · Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 12:41 pm Post subject:

I'm so pleased it makes you feel better (and Brian too I hope), I didn't realise it would though

It's also important to know that what the parents have done/are doing is in the most part unconcious, which is how they are able to seem in denial.
This doesn't make it okay....and I really believe it isn't okay, and feel very sorry that it still has the impact on your lives. It's amazing how hurt we can still be, and just shows that that Child part continues to smart over old hurts however old we are.

Hugs to you both

dingsy · Site Admin Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 2106 Location: Devon

As you said, it may not excuse actions, but it does in part give a reason behind why life may have developed as it did, and that in itself is a comfort.

We have been genuinely bewildered and hurt over the years, feeling that the reason for this somehow lay in a fault in our nature/personalities, which made us less important. Feeling that this may not be the case, is remarkably liberating.

I'll share this theory with Brian-at some stage, but probaly not immediately. He's very defensive when these issues are raised.

Being the stubborn little thing that I am,I have persevered in maintaining, and trying to improve the relationship with his parents, when if truth be told, he would have given up many years ago.I'm glad that I've done so, because despite everything, I love them dearly.I was heartbroken when his Dad died, as he was like a father to me. Which in view of your theory, now also makes perfect sense!

Nannyp · Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 2:04 pm Post subject:

Oh dear, yes it does make perfect sense :)

I can understand Brian wanting to be apart from them though........sometimes, that seperating means we no longer allow them to hurt us.

I know for myself, I am seperate from my siblings, it is a far happier and hurt free environment for me. I have also, at times, estranged myself from my parents for the same reasons.

I hope that Brian feels some comfort from what we're discussing, when he's ready of course :)